TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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